The Corrupt Institute of Money-Making

​Hey! You there! Yes you! Are you past your prime, a self-proclaimed business mogul, considerably wealthy, yet still chasing that American dream as if you aren’t? Well, I have the perfect business proposition for you!

Allow me to introduce The Corrupt Institute of Money-Making! A place where spry senior citizen business majors can make their millions and win accolades while they're at it. At the institute, we pride ourselves on providing an unobstructed path for true leaders to live up to their fullest potential… Profit potential, that is! With thousands of offices across the USA, we’re never out of reach, and by utilizing the cutting (emphasis on cutting) edge of financial investments, we can guarantee the success of every one of our members. What is this investment? Higher education of course!

You see, higher education is quickly becoming the time investment for prospective CEOs, Presidents, and Imperators. This is especially the case in our arts-focused ventures. A stigma already exists around these areas that a career is next to impossible. This stigma protects us from being held liable for failing to deliver on any perceived value. By promising value that is not easily qualifiable, we can charge exorbitant fees with no way of being held accountable by our customers. It’s a winning sales strategy! Our members see an immense accumulation of wealth during their time here, and can expect an energizing and brief tenure before moving to one of our other offices.

Oh, what’s that? You’ve never taught at a school before? No? You’ve never been at a school before? Ah, not to worry! The actual running of the school has very little to do with what you’ll be up to! And as much as we offer superficial input from our students and staff, the board is actually who is responsible for hiring you. Look around, and I think you’ll find there’s many familiar faces ; ) shouldn’t give you any trouble.

So, what will you be up to? Upon joining our lovely institute, the first thing you’ll want to do is get the money flowing! Did you know that many of the faculty members at this school actually make a living off this? Off teaching? I know, ridiculous! Some of them teach music theory, some composition, and even others teach piano! You might be thinking, piano?! That’s not even an orchestral instrument! What an astute eye and brain for business you have, you’re clearly in the right place! Long story short, these are incredibly costly positions, a real drain on our resources. Easy way to generate a lot of revenue quickly is to cut them. Done! Look at that, the school is doing great now!

Once you’ve cut away all the unnecessary teaching/staff positions from the school (it’s really just fat anyways) feel free to take a little cash for yourself! Think of it as a bonus for all the hard decisions you’ve been making! After all, without you, that surplus would never have existed, and we can’t have people thinking we have enough to hire some new teachers, or even worse, offer raises. You see now? This is profitable!

​I will admit, the job’s not all sunshine and rainbows. At times it can be a profound struggle. Sometimes staff members don’t want to leave, they have a family to support, they have a mortgage, need to pay bills, they come up with the wildest excuses. You may find that administrative holes will open up in the school where students' needs “aren’t being met sufficiently,” I wouldn’t call it that, but fair enough. Let’s say you want to solve that problem for some reason. How do you go about it? It’s kind of a trick question. Do nothing.

Let me explain. The beauty of our model is that once we have attracted a customer, otherwise known as a student, we have attracted an investor. The students, drawn in by our wonderful marketing, have now invested a considerable sum into their education with us. This means they have a vested interest in the functionality of the school, because that’s what they’ve paid thousands for. They can’t leave because they’ll have wasted their money, and they can’t let the school collapse for the same reason. So if nothing is done to fix whatever problems occur, what will happen? The students will fix and fill these holes themselves. Best part? We don’t have to pay them for this work. They pay us. If any teachers choose to help out their students, we don’t have any obligation to compensate them for that. Brilliant, isn’t it?

What’s wrong? You look worried. What if teachers and students get upset? Oh, such a pessimist! Very well, in that case the best policy is to ignore them too. Other than talking to you, they have no way of politically or legally addressing their concerns with you, so it’s best not to listen. If you never apologize, you never did anything wrong. Ignoring can be done by simply never answering them--this can often be enough. Or, point them to someone else for answers. Should you find yourself in a position where students and staff are pestering you incessantly with the nitty-gritty of running or leading the school, you can hire an administrative assistant. Assistants are superbly adept at soaking up any issues that are distracting you from your goals here. The best part is that they cost a fraction of what a faculty position would. The only down-side is that they need to be replaced rather frequently. They have a habit of breaking down.

Worst case, most of the faculty and staff, excluding you of course, are on single year contracts. This makes removing the more stubborn problems very simple. We pay our courier handsomely for this explicit purpose!

​One last thing before you take your new position, I want to make clear that you should only be coming to our institute with the intention of making money. School stopped being about education a long time ago.